A Letter To My Father conitnued

I loved you man, still do. I don't think you knew just how great I thought you were. You were daddy, I viewed you as godlike. Man I thought you were cool, you were beautiful to Misterman and me. Your voice was so deep, and you were so strong; you used to do push ups with me on your back. I've been told that I sound like you, that I look like you, that I even gesticulate like you. You were better than Superman to me, you were my father. I to used love riding on your shoulders. Chloe loves to get on my shoulders, whenever she's up there I think of you. When I take her to the movies, I think of you, the amusement park, the beach, the playground, I think of you. You broke my little heart, you broke a few little hearts. Where have you been man?...

A Letter To My Father

" Daddy?" " Daddy? " That's not me calling out to you, that's my little girl calling me, her father. You now have a granddaughter whom you've never met. Her name is Chloe, and she's an amazingly beautiful addition to my my life. Ocassionally she'll ask me about you, and I actually dread when this occurs because I don't have much to tell her, except what I remember about you, which isn't much. If ever there were a time in which I could seriously use some fatherly advice, that time would be now. You have a granddaughter, a granddaughter, and she is the most magnificent little person I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, let alone rearing. You haven't the slightest idea whom this precious little wonder is. Her name is Chloe, and she thinks I'm the greatest person on this earth. She's four, and, in the opinion of many, she resembles me a great deal; which means she looks like you.

Where have you been man? My brother and I have been out here in this world and have, for the most part, fended for ourselves. Chrismin was overwhelmed. What an immense responsibilty, raising two boys by her herself. She tried, but essentially, we raised ourselves Tommy. What happened to you? I wish you could feel how this has impacted our lives: I am a man, who was raised to be so without a paradigm to emulate. Simple shit, Tommy, like learning how to tie a tie, or shave, I had to teach myself. It hurts me that I didn't have you to teach me these things. I'm still teaching myself, every day, what it means to be a man.

33 Tommy, That's how old I am, Your youngest is 30. I'm not trying to make you feel bad for not taking care of us, I just wish that upon reading this missive, you would try to reintroduce yourself to us. Mom's past on, my brother and me are still here. We're still here man. Where have you been Tommy? Have you any idea of how tough life has been for us? I wonder if you're still alive...

Christmas Eve 1982 continued

...in a weird way the snow made me feel safe.

Once the night manager had finished showing us the room, which was clean, but small, and only had one bed; We settled in for the night. I had only one thing on my little mind at the time: Is there a TV and does it work? I had to watch Frosty The Snowman, It was Christmas, and homeless or not, I was determind to watch it. There it was, an old ass set with the antennae on top, looked like it hadn't been used in eons. I walked up to it and turned the little knob to the left of the of the box to see if it worked(wow, I'm old, I remember when televisions had knobs and dials!). The TV came on and God was I disappointed, nothing but snow on the screen, not the least bit as charming at the flakes falling to the ground outside. I was undettered however, and began turning the dial frantically. Still nothing but snow. It was after eight o'clock, and I knew the show was on already, I had to make this TV work; my little brother was watching me and I knew that he wanted to see Frosty as well.

Chrismin (mommy) began unpacking our meager belongings. Seemingly unaware of how serious a matter this was to Misterman and me. I turned the dial again. Nothing. I was about to resign myself to the fact that I was not going to watch any Christmas specials that evening. I Remmember feeling so angry because I knew what we were going through as a family, and I also knew that we were not going to get any Christmas presents that year. I felt that at the very least, God would allow Misterman and me to watch some cartoons as we tried to celebrate the birth of his son. Now, I'm not a religious cat at all, but he did. In an act of sheer frustration, I turned the dial very fast, all the way around and when it stopped, it stopped on Channel two. In New York, Channel two plays all of the holiday cartoons. The picture wasn't very clear at all, but we could hear the show and make out some of the images. When it came on, Misterman who was still in his stroller, yelled "Mommy look, Frosty!" Chrismin stopped unpacking to look at the screen and said: I knew you could do it baby, you're my monkey boo boo mama. I felt safe again. That feeling didn't last very long...

Christmas Eve 1982

Christmas Eve 1982, my mother, my brother and I are homeless. I was six years old. I remember being cold and hungry and just wanting to watch Frosty The Snowman on television. The previous evening we all slept on the floor of a social services office in downtown Manhattan. I guess my mother took us there to get some emergency housing and perhaps a food voucher. I knew we were not in a good situation, my brother was too young to know what was going on. It was very uncomfortable, I remember there being a lot of families there like mine. Mostly women with young children. The place wasn't the least bit appealing to a child, it was a dreary cold welfare office. A pretty sad place to be, let alone sleep, two nights before Christmas.

The following day after waiting for what seemed like forever, My mother was given the address to a motel in Queens and a voucher to pay for a couple of nights stay there. We had to stay in the motel until December 26th, after which we'd have to go back to the welfare office and wait some more. I remember feeling very excited because it was snowing by the time we arrived in Queens. Looking back, I really appreciated the snow that evening. Somehow it made everything seem fine. It was Christmas Eve, and though we'd be staying in a dump of a motel for the next couple of nights, I was comforted by the snow...

I'm 33 and staying around. I don't have a place of my own right now, it's tough. I have more debt than actual dollars. I'm surviving in the concrete jungle of NYC, but barely. It seems that I've been struggling throughout my entire life up to this point. To be quite honest, I'm sick of of it, but I feel like I'm stuck. I'm scared every day, I could definitely use some guidance. I've never had any. I know and I accept that I'm in the situation that I'm in because of choices that I've made. Boy have I made some bad ones, I wish almost every day that I could have done things differently. I guess writing this blog is my attempt at moving forward in life. I want to write a memoir and I suppose this blog will contain a few chapters of it.